The Silence of My Voice

Hello. It's Day Three! Incompletion is an art form. As tempted as I was, to leave this post just at that, I don't reckon my blog deserves this humour jolt at three in the morning. Most times, in life, we can't see things through. Can't or won't. In either case, it really is a matter of choice, only one overruled slightly more by fear and insecurities. And, I'm strongly of the belief that certain things in life can't be overcome simply by the sheer gall of being bigger than your fears. But, I'm also of the belief that everything in life is easily ignorable. As trivial as that sounds, the easiest thing in the world is to unlearn what you know than learning something new. So, unearth yourself. Trace back where you begin, and be very clever to let the reason of that beginning be nondescript. It's easy. It's as easy as trying to remember why you started walking. Because, biology. And, yet most of us don't forget to retrace, fall to our kne...

Okay, then! Last exam tomorrow. And parties to follow. A LOT of parties. Clearly that'll happen if the world doesn't end tomorrow. Or maybe more, I want it to end. Maybe rectify few mistakes, have a fresh start. As exasperating things always have been, and as disappointing the false idea of the world ending is, I reckon I might as well begin from zero.  No more letting your past in. It's the past - better if it stays there. Not allow people to tell me how worse a prospect I'm to be having in their life, and the endings were my mistakes. Click. Click, click, click to my heart's content. No more resisting junk. Eating. A lot of junk eating.  Go meet Aabhaas, kick his ass, and spend time with him anyway. [You better stay at home, you nutcase.] Oh! Not staying at home for even a single day. Meet people I've long forgotten. TRY learning how to use make-up. Yeah, happens when your girlfriends are all over the place screaming the same. I don't even und...

I wake up every morning at six. Actually it's more like staying up through the night till the point when it's my real time to wake up. I'm slogging myself, and yet the work doesn't come to an end. How will it, when I have only 24 hours for 30 hours worth of work?! I drag myself past each day, in the hope that something nice'll happen. Something/one will bring a smile to me. A genuine smile. One that I've actually forgotten what feels like to be done in response.  And then I look around. And I see people. Real people, fake people, helpful people, sadu people, leechad people, kind people, happy people, whining people. I try looking within. And I find myself. Should be enough, isn't it? YOU should be enough for yourself. [Read: Satya. I love you, Tambi :*]  I bend down and shake my head, look up smiling, and get back to my work.  Life is okay! 

No, it's happening. I tried refraining. But I guess I was held back till only trying. No attempt whatsoever helped. And I don't think it will. Maybe ten years down the line when I'm sitting up late at night, working and watching some stupid architect I would have married sleeping, maybe then I'll think of you. And still wonder what would my life have been if it had you, like I still do. Maybe I will, for the rest of my life. I'm standing at crossroads where you're nowhere to be seen. And might I say, I don't like that fact. But I'll do with myself, for now. Just know. You're loved. Maybe always will. You're the best I could have got, perhaps. And perhaps I'm not worth you. I'm nothing special, I'm sure of that. ON a dark night, set out walking on the road which is purely illuminated by the moon; THAT is how beautiful my life feels when you're in it. If at all ever, you don't feel lonely even when you'll have no one by you...

I want to screech. Shout out loud so that somebody notices the anguish, if not the screams at all? That pungent feeling when you wish to abscond and run. But then after running a mile away from everything around you, you realize you're just about running the same place. Because there's no where else to go. Every turn you take, draws you to similar facets with different knowledge of screwing you over and over. You think, wait and wish for the same light you found once before. The same light which lit you when yours ran out. I do see a light. Yes. It's not standing with others surrounding me. It came from above somewhere. I try going close, it keeps running away. Maybe it's scared that if once again he illuminates me, he'll never find his own again. But I assure him that's not what I want. I'm happy enough to see him lit, to see him having found his light again. He argues; he says he's here to share the light. There's a problem. We can't share. He...

Amarillo todas las!!!!!!!! YES! I'm back like I promised. College was good. A bit fun, indeed. I guess I'll be fine after all, and I guess I'll be enjoying my time here. So the day started out with spotting old friends in the campus, making new ones, registering and verifying yourself. AND, thennnnnnnn! Our verification process completed till what, 11? And the next programme was the Puja Havan, which we probably skipped and were sitting in the cafe, because the havan created a natural sauna (this was Anjana's line on which I laughed my ass off).  The havan went on till 1:30pm, succeeding which was our an hour long lunch break. So checking the campus out was fun. We have like, 1, 2, 3, 4? Yeah, four places to eat. There's a phatichar sa Nescafe, CCD, Baker House and a canteen and mess. Which is like gooooooood!  This was followed by the Ice-Breaking Session, where we played this little game forming groups and enacting various scenes given to us in a hilarious m...

Do you remember the time when you used to plunge yourself in the air and would be caught by someone? The time when whatever you did, hadn't contained the spike of fear? When you grovelled for something so bad, that it itself came back to you?  I've had none the above moments. I try to obliterate ticks, but my own very advent slaps me hard across the face, and towers over me hiding my being in its dark, ruthless shadow.  You know the times when there's an inner self so pungent that you take a leap of faith right up in the air, trying to touch that omnipresent light, and be lost in its glory? I'm that one soul who's so oblivious to her very own self, that she can't find that ray anywhere. Wherever I go, I face densities of unilluminated souls, I can't even make out the happy ones. I once saw that flickering neon ray. It was different from the rest. It glowed. It seemed familiar to me. It talked to me. It admired me. It never laughed on my misfortunes. It h...

Not really a Hola mood, companeros! It's getting claustrophobic-ally disgusting  for me to see the people whom I apparently considered "friends", let alone ignoring, disowning me for reasons they should probably have stayed out of. Or even if they didn't, for the sake of being "good friends" with the other person, they maybe forgot that any alliance is a two-way system, considering the other one too is human. Whatever happened to learning to listen to the other side of the story. Well just because I'm reputed to be the silent, "cocky bitch", doesn't mean I wouldn't be wanting to let the frustration of my side out! As much it doesn't hurt regarding the person who  rechristened me to be the "cocky bitch", it hurts that the people whom I REALLY loved from the deepest core of my heart, didn't even for once bother asking me at least about MY side of the mishaps. "I did this! You did that! I did that! You did this!...

Hola compañeros! Alrighty then! I won my first blog award today, given to me by  Ajay.  Do check out his profile. He has some other amazing blogs too! Congratulations to him on his 200th blogpost. =) And so according to the regime, I've to Thank and link back the person who awarded me with it.(Which I did ^) Share 7 things about yourself. Award to 15 newly discovered great bloggers. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award. The four commandments now, 1) Thank you Ajay! This really means a lot. It just tells you that people do read your work, and this is just a boost for striving to write better. 2) Seven things about myself. I have very very funny and varied sort of nicknames which I'm timely rechristened with. Like really funny! I can't even write them. I Worship Jackie Collins! She's, after Sidney Sheldon, THE best story-teller. I'm a very irritable person.  I was smiling like a lunatic when I read that Ajay gave me an award. I...

Hola compañeros! It's at times never enough of what you apparently get out of the ecstasy that stems out of the little, negligible contraption everyday. It seems to somehow assassinate your momentary angst and disquiet for everything. Angst, a very deeply shallow word it is. As much tranquil it is to not be pestered about it, the more it perturbs you. Funny fellow it is. It was only the other day when I was out there, in the balcony striving to puff some pollution-oriented oxygen, assuming that it would perhaps clean my system a bit, and supply some good amount of air to my benumbed brain cells after I thrived on persecuting them after the hideous chapter of Probability. Pleasant the air was. At that very moment, I was slapped hard with a tiny-winy pang of angst that I felt. Or was it anguish. Or torment. Or the fatigue and enervation of the constant torture on me by my books, after they gobbled up a fragment of my nice, pink brain which had virtually been converted into a ri...

Hola compañeros! So have I apparently thought that after everyone wrote a letter to themselves, I'd better do it!  Dear you, or us? Alright fine! I know it's a really really BAD phase going on. I can absolutely fathom what you're clearly going through. I know I should have doubtlessly written this little piece to you long back. Maybe then, you might have known and would have been able to take control of the situations. You won't be a tomboy anymore. You'll loosen up on death metal and you'll also start listening to Karl Wolf and Diana Krall.  But don't worry. You'll have a lot of situations.  They'll only make you strong and wise. But! Before anything,  You'd like to trust Monika a bit more than you already do. I know, I know, she'd hurt you. All of them did. But keep her close. She's here to stay. She'll be the first one who'll repudiate to relinquish you.  You better learn talking to Mum, kid. You'll realize i...

Hola compañeros! I can't really even figure out whether I'm in my 'hola' mood or not! I perpetually can't come to terms to believing people. I've come across, like ample souls who've loathed. And trust me companeros, the feeling has been mutual. WHY can't they come to terms with their life the way it's supposed to be?!??!! Can you even conjure up the fact there're even categories to delineate these moronic, badass creatures!  1. The Devdas. Oh you'll never be lacking these idiots. "Pyaar se bechare, duniya ke maare". I mean I can really understand and extend my hand to those who've really gone through a ominous phase. But girlfriend chali gayi? Dost ne maara? Abe to Kyaaa! Waapas maar dost ko. Police thodi hai jo gun chala denge! =P They're perpetually upset about everything they can possibly define as a rationale. They can even be upset about the samosa in your school canteen having an extra drop of oil. I mean, co...

Hola   compañeros! Okay, so I'm INSANELY SICK of physics now. What else more refreshing than my dear blog. And what more random and insane for someone who's already going insane due to the insanity of the physics' insane chapters. 1. I'm a calm control freak. Yes, I know it sounds pretty contradictory. 2. I'm a very patient person. I'm easily irritable, but anger and impatience are something that come to me with much procrastination. 3. I eat like a lion. I need a meal every two hours. I simply live to eat. <3 4. I'm not really bothered about haters. I've ample people who know me well enough to stick by my side at all times whenever the hater tried imposing a vamp-like plan to destruct me. 5. I'm a huge movie buff. I HAVE to go to a theater at least once a week. 6. I'm not a non-vegetarian. I'm a CARNIVORE. I can literally tear and eat anything up in a jiffy. 7. I read. Like a lot. I'm a voracious reader. I once finished an entire...