Stoner...13

Average people don't understand you and me. They don't have that ability. The ability to understand and perceive the world differently. Of course we have our dumbfuck moments. But they don't define us.

I told you once that I remember everything you say. I wasn't lying, I do. Whatever you've ever said, done, how you've laughed, your expressions at almost every next thing - I remember it all. And somewhere in the darkness of my mind, I always will. You see, there's a point in everyone's life when they finally understand why they can't have a certain somebody in their lives. I've seen some not having been able to come to that point ever and perish over just that one person they could never have. Because sometimes people allow themselves to be reckoned pathetic when all they could have done instead was said let it be. 

I miss you. I've wanted to tell you this everyday, without fail. It's hard missing you. But one thing I'm glad about is that I have someone worth missing. Life was indistinct. It had been for a very long time. Until you came in and reset the focus a bit. I've to thank you, for finding me to myself. 

I'm not asking you to reciprocate my affection. All I'm asking of is for you to remember, that somewhere inside, I'll be that girl from the other night. Have you ever thought? What if you never said the first hi? What if you never talked or would have said just one more thing that you didn't? What if you could turn time back to just that one night? What if you had just two more minutes? What if you would have said ILoveYou just one more time, or never said anything at all? How different could it have been? There a lot of people who can move on. A lot of people who scream, cry and get done with it. But me, I'm not sure. I don't want to forget. It wasn't something that was broken. Just something that simply happened. I'm just finding ways of respecting and remembering it, while still trying to get along with it. 

There are moments in life when you simply behold and take a deep breath, and try holding onto it for as long as possible, because for those three seconds, everything seems fine, easy, fightable. You were that long, deep breath. You're like my early morning cup of coffee; delicious, strong, and its bitterness getting me through the day. There's always a lush insight we have in a selective few. The numerous insights I've had into you has only showed me that beyond layers and layers of thick velvety curtains, there is a window where the moon is never out, and the light just appropriately bright. 

I've loved you in a thousand different ways. Like a child, like a friend. I've loved you even when you didn't, when you were too distant from me and your fingers away from my skin. I've loved you in silence, and I've loved you when you're not there. I still have that controlling sort of side to and it still doesn't work around you. I wasn't trying to change you, never wanted to. I think that's the worst form of fear one can instil in a person. Which I clearly did. And probably you were right to leave. 

This is my last Stoner post. There's only so much one can hold onto, and still not want to give up. So I'm not going to give up. Just let the hold lose. Even if we're not in each other's life, doesn't mean you can't exist in me. I think of you before falling asleep. Always. Even though we know each other better than a lot of heads, we're still absolute strangers. I don't know who you are, but I dream about you every single night. 

There's always so much I want to say to you, but can't back it up with words. You've always had that effect on me. You've to know, that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I'll always have a place in my life and heart that's entirely yours. It's been there since the first day we met. Everyone has a summer they'll always remember. This was mine. You're precisely the poem I wanted to write. 

ILoveYou.

Love, always and always,
Ak.