Thursday, 26 July 2012

You Know Me Better Than That.

Dear You,

Well, yes. I'm pretty much reputed to NOT be able to express properly. Even my family is exasperated. Yeah, really! Things have changed. For better or worse, I'm not sure. But I could do with them, as long as you stay by my side. Actually, it's not even being beside you. I won't even mind you holding my hand and steering me forward with you. But listen. Listen. And understand that it has to be you. Puzzled? Have to be! I haven't been too cooperating either. But you need to see. I have my own desires and necessities and insecurities. Yeah, I know it sounds contrastingly funny. Me having insecurity issues. But I do. I just don't know how to show them. Maybe that's why I panic. Maybe that's why I need to be held close. This month isn't really as interesting as it had been last year. But then neither are the both of us any more. Things changed, I changed, you changed. But never for one moment did I allow myself to alter my heart for you. I don't know why I'm doing this, but people say I express better when I write. Maybe I don't have to face the penetrating scrutiny of the eyes [Oh, which by the way, is the part I love most]. 


I told you I wanted to give you everything, remember? I wanted to have my pride back, and I told myself that by giving you, it would help. I spent my entire life believing I wasn't good enough, that we weren't good enough, and I've spent last few months trying to prove myself wrong. But nothing ever works, you know? People believe what they're going to believe, and you can't change it. At least that's what I've always thought. But I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. It turns out I've been lying to myself just as much I've been lying to you. I never really moved past your love. I thought that if I owned you from the time I sent you away, I could forget. Pursuing you, hell, even being with you the last time, it was just me trying to eliminate my obsession with all the things I'd been told I couldn't have, all the things I wasn't supposed to feel. But when you sent me away, all those feelings of inadequacy returned. It was like I was that poor, grovelling kid again trying to earn your love. And it hurt. It made me want to hurt you in the same way, just so I could stop feeling so damn much. I know I did. And you'll never know how sorry I'm. I lied when I told myself that once I had you, and hurt you, your hold on me would finally dissipate. I lied to myself thinking it would put the past to rest and leave me free to live my life. But my plans haven't quite worked out the way I envisioned. The one you were before is the same one you're right now. And even though I screwed things up and destroyed your trust in me, I can't give you up again. What I feel for you is real, and I'm ging to fight for you. For us. I discovered the truth too late, before I had the chance to stop everything I'd put into place, and I've been working like hell ever since to reverse it. But I can fix it. I'll make it better. I'll put it all together again. Just let me share my life with you. I know how betrayal feels. I've lived it for years and it's miserable. You have to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that I've done this to you. I made a mistake because I didn't believe in the man you truly were. I didn't believe in my own memories of you. I didn't trust myself around you and I needed a way to fight that pain. But I do trust myself now.I trust the way I feel about you. I swear I'll do everything I can to make you happy. To make you love me. I know I don't deserve you, but I swear I'll never hurt you again. Just tell me you'll have me, and I'll fight the entire world to keep you from ever feeling pain again. Don't love me if you don't want to. Caring for me is enough. I can be happy with that. The love I feel for you is enough for the both of us. And in time, perhaps, you'd find a way to forgive me. Perhaps, if you tried....


I lied to you. I still love you. Always have. With all my heart. And I'm willing to try again if you are. I just don't want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. I've discovered I'm miserable without you, so I'm willing to risk being unhappy with you if it means we have the chance to be happy together. You're a part of me. The best part. I know it won't be easy, nut who the hell wants easy? I want you. Easy. Hard. Happy. Scared. I don't care as long as I have you. I've wanted you my whole life, and I've lived in unrelenting torment because I thought I could never have you. I love you for a million reasons that're anything but easy. I want you simply because you're you. Flawed, imperfect, scarred, damaged. I want to spend my days and nights and all the minutes in between with you. I want you at my side at all those awful parties, I want you when my hair is messy, I want you when I cry at romantic movies, and when you're too tired to even smile. I love your face, your humour, your smiles, the way you care for others and how you somehow manage to be both masculine and soft. Don't you see? That if I have you, we'll work everything else? Do't you know what my life is like without you in it? Every day I've had to live without you has been hell. No matter where I turn, it's you. You. I can't chart a future without you in it. I won't know who I am. 


Love, always and always

Me.


Long time, no see, companeros?

See you around, fellas.
Tener cuidado! :*

5 comments:

  1. I don't know how you express yourself in person but in writing, you do one hell of a job. Take care dear!

    Keirthana

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  2. aye. that was serious mush! all that emotion! u r growing up! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Growing up? :O
      That's a strange compliment. Thank you!

      Delete
  3. strange yes. in time u l c. i hope. else i l be officially a weirdo :P

    ReplyDelete

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