Monday, 30 July 2012

Liebster? Oh Yes! =D

Much much much thanks to Ajay for yet again, awarding me. It's this Liebster award. Which, companeros, I'd no clue whatsoever as to what it meant. Open Google homepage -> Google Translate -> Type Liebster -> German detected -> Meaning Favourite.

That's quite a booster, you know, considering the fact that so many people have been un-favouriting(that's not even a word) me! 

So technically, you have to:

1) Tell 11 facts about yourself. Which you can read here.

2) Answer the 11 questions tagger has asked, and frame 11 more for who you tag. Well, 

(a) If you were given one wish, what would that be? 
     I'd like to start playing my guitar again. Or maybe just have the last year back.

(b) Which place do you wish to visit the most?
    Ladakh, I guess?

 (c) If you somehow become the President, what would be the first thing that you'd do?
     I'd put a bullet in Kasab's head. 

(d) Your favourite author?
     Jackie Collins, and Barbara Taylor Bradford.

(e) How much does blogging mean to you?
    It's one treasured corner in my life, like there's in any room. Where you go open yourself up, and feel strong, no matter how bad you're broken. 

(f) Would you give away everything for something that you love doing? 

(g) What's the one thing that you would like to get from life?
     Something I can't state here. 

(h) What would you do if you won a million dollars?
     Open up a help centre for protection of women against rapists.

(i) What's you life motto?
    "When the rape's inevitable, enjoy it."

(j) How stupid and lame are the questions? 
    Very disastrously, ostentatiously lame. Don't do it again for the love of mankind, Ajay. =P

My questions. I'm feeling too lazy to frame any! You can go ahead and answer the same above! 

3) Award it out to 11 more bloggers.
I don't have enough favourites, but whichever there are, they're, *drumrolls*


4) Tell the bloogers about awards.
On my wayyyyyyy!

See you around, companeros!
Tener cuidado. :*

Friday, 27 July 2012

On The Verge Of It

Do you remember the time when you used to plunge yourself in the air and would be caught by someone? The time when whatever you did, hadn't contained the spike of fear? When you grovelled for something so bad, that it itself came back to you? 
I've had none the above moments. I try to obliterate ticks, but my own very advent slaps me hard across the face, and towers over me hiding my being in its dark, ruthless shadow. 

You know the times when there's an inner self so pungent that you take a leap of faith right up in the air, trying to touch that omnipresent light, and be lost in its glory? I'm that one soul who's so oblivious to her very own self, that she can't find that ray anywhere. Wherever I go, I face densities of unilluminated souls, I can't even make out the happy ones. I once saw that flickering neon ray. It was different from the rest. It glowed. It seemed familiar to me. It talked to me. It admired me. It never laughed on my misfortunes. It held my hand and swirled me around. It pirouetted around me so that I can see through the darkness within. It searched for my flickering ray too. It saw my light had died.  It shook me up, threw me away, danced to my fears. But couldn't attempt to revive it. Helplessly, it revoked itself of its own ray and gave it to me.I lit up. Happy, exhilarated, content. And when I looked around for it, I couldn't search for it. I feel it near me, but is invisible. It had blended its darkness with those others present. And now I'm on the brink of somewhere I can't define. I feel being held back from falling into another cauldron of darkness. I can't even step back, lest it falls and I lose it. And here I'm walking brink to brink. Holding its hand. Trying to keep it close. The light it revived inside me is flickering, dimming. It feels aloof to not be able to feel the neon-ness of itself. It's dimmed now. I fell into that cauldron. Dark, lonely, claustrophobic. I'm wandering around again. Searching for that ray. Searching for that identical happiness. It's gone. Somewhere I won't be able to fetch it back again. And now I'm grovelling again, begging again, darkening out again. 

Thursday, 26 July 2012

You Know Me Better Than That.

Dear You,

Well, yes. I'm pretty much reputed to NOT be able to express properly. Even my family is exasperated. Yeah, really! Things have changed. For better or worse, I'm not sure. But I could do with them, as long as you stay by my side. Actually, it's not even being beside you. I won't even mind you holding my hand and steering me forward with you. But listen. Listen. And understand that it has to be you. Puzzled? Have to be! I haven't been too cooperating either. But you need to see. I have my own desires and necessities and insecurities. Yeah, I know it sounds contrastingly funny. Me having insecurity issues. But I do. I just don't know how to show them. Maybe that's why I panic. Maybe that's why I need to be held close. This month isn't really as interesting as it had been last year. But then neither are the both of us any more. Things changed, I changed, you changed. But never for one moment did I allow myself to alter my heart for you. I don't know why I'm doing this, but people say I express better when I write. Maybe I don't have to face the penetrating scrutiny of the eyes [Oh, which by the way, is the part I love most]. 

I told you I wanted to give you everything, remember? I wanted to have my pride back, and I told myself that by giving you, it would help. I spent my entire life believing I wasn't good enough, that we weren't good enough, and I've spent last few months trying to prove myself wrong. But nothing ever works, you know? People believe what they're going to believe, and you can't change it. At least that's what I've always thought. But I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. It turns out I've been lying to myself just as much I've been lying to you. I never really moved past your love. I thought that if I owned you from the time I sent you away, I could forget. Pursuing you, hell, even being with you the last time, it was just me trying to eliminate my obsession with all the things I'd been told I couldn't have, all the things I wasn't supposed to feel. But when you sent me away, all those feelings of inadequacy returned. It was like I was that poor, grovelling kid again trying to earn your love. And it hurt. It made me want to hurt you in the same way, just so I could stop feeling so damn much. I know I did. And you'll never know how sorry I'm. I lied when I told myself that once I had you, and hurt you, your hold on me would finally dissipate. I lied to myself thinking it would put the past to rest and leave me free to live my life. But my plans haven't quite worked out the way I envisioned. The one you were before is the same one you're right now. And even though I screwed things up and destroyed your trust in me, I can't give you up again. What I feel for you is real, and I'm ging to fight for you. For us. I discovered the truth too late, before I had the chance to stop everything I'd put into place, and I've been working like hell ever since to reverse it. But I can fix it. I'll make it better. I'll put it all together again. Just let me share my life with you. I know how betrayal feels. I've lived it for years and it's miserable. You have to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that I've done this to you. I made a mistake because I didn't believe in the man you truly were. I didn't believe in my own memories of you. I didn't trust myself around you and I needed a way to fight that pain. But I do trust myself now.I trust the way I feel about you. I swear I'll do everything I can to make you happy. To make you love me. I know I don't deserve you, but I swear I'll never hurt you again. Just tell me you'll have me, and I'll fight the entire world to keep you from ever feeling pain again. Don't love me if you don't want to. Caring for me is enough. I can be happy with that. The love I feel for you is enough for the both of us. And in time, perhaps, you'd find a way to forgive me. Perhaps, if you tried....

I lied to you. I still love you. Always have. With all my heart. And I'm willing to try again if you are. I just don't want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. I've discovered I'm miserable without you, so I'm willing to risk being unhappy with you if it means we have the chance to be happy together. You're a part of me. The best part. I know it won't be easy, nut who the hell wants easy? I want you. Easy. Hard. Happy. Scared. I don't care as long as I have you. I've wanted you my whole life, and I've lived in unrelenting torment because I thought I could never have you. I love you for a million reasons that're anything but easy. I want you simply because you're you. Flawed, imperfect, scarred, damaged. I want to spend my days and nights and all the minutes in between with you. I want you at my side at all those awful parties, I want you when my hair is messy, I want you when I cry at romantic movies, and when you're too tired to even smile. I love your face, your humour, your smiles, the way you care for others and how you somehow manage to be both masculine and soft. Don't you see? That if I have you, we'll work everything else? Do't you know what my life is like without you in it? Every day I've had to live without you has been hell. No matter where I turn, it's you. You. I can't chart a future without you in it. I won't know who I am. 

Love, always and always


Long time, no see, companeros?

See you around, fellas.
Tener cuidado! :*

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

And You Take Me The Way I'm....

No, the title is just a song.
Acceptance, although an easy word, is a pretty hard thing and an even prolonged process. 
"Do this, do that." 
"You'll never get it right."
"Why do you have to do things that way?"
"Is it always you do it like that?"

Well I, for once, have heard these things to such an magnitude that even if a single soul comes up and tries ordaining me regarding re-doing or changing my custom to a fixation, he/she'll be revoking him/herself of a very precious organ. 

The phrase "I like you the way you are" just doesn't drudge well for my little pink brains. There HAS to appear something or the other that a person must be opposing in the near future. Yes, I have certain preferences too. Doesn't mean I'll start imposing them without will. It's not like if I commit to the task, I'll suddenly have Ambani brains, a Jolie face or a Gwyneth Paltrow  ass? It's still going to be me! 

Oh, forget that! I'm just bored sitting at home and wiring various hopelessly useless things in my mind. 
The sad part? There are no god damn eye candies in my college! This is going to be a pretty rough five years. I really sometimes wish I'd chosen DU instead of B.Arch. Man, would I be on a roll then! 

I've been really deserting my blog to the best of my ability. I really miss writing stories. But don't you worry, companeros! I'll be up with one very very soon! 

Oh and this band Purity Ring? It's first album Shrine is out. I'm hooked to its song Fineshrine. Trust me, you'll love it!

I'll see you around? :*
Tener cuidado. =)

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Oh Look Who's All Grown Up!

"So, class! This is Akanksha Sharma. She's a part of our school now. I'd like you all to help her be comfortable here. Introduce yourself, child"

"Hello. I'm Akanksha. A nerd, for sure. I like to paint and dance. And I'd really like to get to know each one of you."

"Alright. So, you can sit there. Wait, you should sit with someone who can help."

"Oh God! No no no no. Not THAT girl. She's so weird! Even an elf might be taller than her.", my mind screeched

I had been wrong! Ver wrong. And very naive, to judge someone.
That just-a-little-above-five-feet girl grew to be one of THE most trusted and treasured part of me!

Yes! That's she. Monika Singh Rattey a.k.a Chhote a.k.a Dhol a.k.a Complan Girl a.k.a Gay Designer a.k.a Queen Pixie a.k.a Blossom.

We met her ten years ago, and what turned out to be a relationship of mutual dislike, soon transformed into a game of similarity and soon into a deep deep friendship! 

This is probably the first time I'm unable to fish out for words to write for her in my small head. She's a lot of things that a lot of people were never able to be in my life. 

1) She's the sister I never had!
From my work to my hobbies to my painting to my guitar to my PMS. She's been there all throughout......No, no. Not supporting. Rather criticising that I'd better do better. [God knows who told her that criticism is a part of character building!]

2) She's the first school friend I EVER had. Yes. I never befriended a soul in my initial years at school. She was my first best friend, soul sister, confidante to have ever entered my life. And she's the reason I'm even there on Facebook.

3) Her dry and uncanny humour is famous among everyone. And of course, she's a favourite with the guys. Psst! he loves you a lot, babe!

4) There's so much talent that one can have inside of them! She's one of THE best sketchers I've seen. And she is one dirty dirty dancer!

5) She's a pathetic drinker! Yeah, really! She gets all perked up at the thought of drinking. Two shots, and you'll have to carry her up to the third floor!

6) Well. THIS is one thing I'm proud I did to her. I turned her into a nautanki too! =D

Basically! I just love her way too much, for her to know through it to my blog. She knows this fact and so I've been yelling about it at her since the past ten years. 

You just have to realise that one moment when a person means the world to you and right back at you! And when you have a friend like her who's more or less a cleaner image of of you, you know you have what is SINCERELY needed in your life. 

It's been ten long years. TEN FUCKING YEARS TOGETHER. 
And one thing I know for sure is that she'll be beside me forever. No matter what! 

You finally turn 18, you god-damn Pixie! And love, I promise to get you a complan induced cake! [Don't kill me]