BlogMas 2018 Day Three - Soul

There's nothing that makes you fully aware of your own heart than the esoteric choice to give love and care to something that abysmally depends on you for everything. Responsibility, I feel, is stouter than any other emotion that sets your heart into commotion. The first time I felt this was when I wasn't any bigger than half of any average person's height, and I witnessed my brother looking up to me to make decisions, not only for myself but for him too. I've taken care of him ever since - fought, laughed, cried, liked, disliked, loved and hated for him, alongside him and with him. Yesterday I shared how I was immensely lucky to never have had an empty barstool. Though somewhere down the years I spent with my best friends, I realised that my propensity towards eclectic, however meaningful friendships stemmed from me knowing what that really is supposed to feel like, from my brother. Never there has been a time when we've not had each other. And I reckon we always will. My brother was my first lesson in jollying, pranking, laughing, fighting and flimsy handshakes following one. It's unimaginable, for most part - my life without him. He was when I really absorbed the meaning of being needed. Unconditionally so. 

I fell in awe when I saw my brother taking on that role for me, not too long ago. I fell even deeper, as I saw him wordlessly let our new pup, Max, hinge onto him for everything. It's humbling, really. And if I am to be utterly honest here, I'm slightly jealous of the person he's growing to be. But, it's endearing, all the same. And one thing of extreme importance that I've gathered from him is to be just more than cognisant in deducing of what people do best - they change. They change all the time,  and just how paramount it is to give them room to grow. And how pivotal it is to never draw a blank on putting the 'self' into every emotion you spend even a second on for someone else. He singlehandedly taught me that no matter what life throws at you, that can never be the excuse to stop loving yourself. He photographs, he writes, he jokes, he travels, he takes care of our parents and pup. He feels. And my God, he does! There came a point in both of our lives when I felt him emotionally detach from his reliance on me, that was physically painful for me. As people, we orbit in two fully separate galaxies. And our sweeping differences only make me wonder if he ever understood that his dependency on me was mine on him. Or, how when he stopped needing me, the dilemma of being both proud and bereavement struck me like an asteroid. But with him, even that I took in just as it came. Because anything comes so guilelessly, needs to be savoured.

Today is my brother. Do check his page out on Instagram at Pratham Sharma. It's fine. 

Until then.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

A.