BlogMas 2019 Day Four - Hi....

Hello.

I'm quite tightfisted with my will to verbalize how I really feel about someone. To a degree, I'm covetous about all things intangible. I've barely met a handful of people who understand this about me without the utterance of that first word. I've often wondered if this would ever be an issue for my accession as a person, and as a part of any relationship. I've been fearful of becoming immune to feeling at all because of my lack of exposition on the matter. I have been aggravated, and cross with people. However brawny these emotions are, they're conjectural, and have minutely anything to do with the person concerned itself. This has more to do with susceptibility. 

Someone asked me a long time ago if I'd ever been in love. The only sally I could offer, was that I don't really know what it means for me. At that time, it was partly true, and partly a fib. The latter wouldn't be something I would fathom until much, much later, to be grossly untrue.

I'm possessive about feelings. And, I believe what I feel, for me, is an experience that's privy; also, esoteric, in all probability. In the absence of the person who's the catching nest of those feelings, my adulation is all there's to fill the holes. I can't relocate my affections from A to B. What I feel for one, will never be muddled by anyone else. And, when they leave, I sieve out the unwanted, and keep only that feeds my soul. For that very reason, I have no two indistinguishable friendships, or relationships. Though this didn't happen compellingly, it has recurringly worried if it compromises on the potential complexity of every relationship I have, if I'm not allowing it to be everything it can be. Although, it sounds fatuous of me, letting certain people only in certain capacities in life, allows me some give to be everything I want to be with whoever I deem fit, as well; in a way that doesn't cripple me to be what is needed of me from every different person, in every different surroundings. It's an uphill whenever I let someone new into my life because not only is it sapping for them to know me better, it's a practiced drill for me each time, too, to find out how they can help me be a better version of myself, or if my heart needs to be playing a role at all.

So, no. I'm unsure of what love means for me. But, I have loved - in parcels. In doodles and letters, and borrowed books, in flight layovers, and varied timezones, I have loved.In little stationeries that I've indefinitely borrowed, the accessories I've given, the books I've never returned, the music I've recommended, the coffees I've shared, the wardrobes that I've raided, the clothes I've stolen, the shopping I've done which I forgot was for me, I have loved all of you. Do not doubt it.

More tomorrow. Until then.

Sneaky Santa; Artist: Henrique Baron

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,

A.