BlogMas 2019 Day Twenty Two - Cocoon

Hello.

I had yearned, and sought to be a lot of things; some of them I became, some of them I realized I already was, some of them I didn't, and some, which weren't even a part of the list, but I morphed into anyway. And, one of them was a me, I didn't recognize. One that was furious with herself, for even rousing in the morning. There were days I found it crippling to be human. I wanted to mould a bubble, and be unattached from the world, for the time being. Even more gruelling is to be cemented in the conundrum of indecision to do whatsoever about it. These days felt as if my brains were being perforated with a corkscrew. Worse is the denial, about needing help. That denial is also about not having enough gall to admit to the ones closest to you, that you indeed do lack help. Which is problematic because after a point, you begin to believe in it vehemently.

There were instances, though. Daily. On my way to work, or alone in a train compartment late at night. The mischance of a bypassed walk along the sea after a site visit, or a lonely ride back home in a cab after a laughter-filled evening with friends. They were fragments. I could recall myself doing something, feel something that mutated me. More so, witnessing something that disconnected me a bit from myself. Which couldn't help but make me wonder what broke my heart.

I'm not big on change. Albeit my acceptance of it, it's probably harder for me to internalise it than most people. I'm an open book about my life, but not about how I feel for it. I relentlessly looked for solutions which were within an arm's length of me - which only became clear when I stopped looking for them. I was trying too hard for Romeos, and ending up getting Lothario(s). But, those Lotharios, even with their shortcomings aided parts of me, which were supremely flouted; and mostly, never let me be alone. (only a metaphor, no hidden ink here)

The realization that hit me hardest was before anyone, or circumstances, I had to forgive myself.

Oftentimes, the best way to bargain with something, is to not try your hand at it at all. There are a lot of things I'd hoped would happen for me this year. I'm not the person I was at the beginning of the year, like I mentioned on the first day. I think I'm not the same person I was even last month. I'm both, fluid, and rigid, in ways sometimes I can't comprehend, or compartmentalize. Though, I'm a quiet unmalleable type of iridescent. I believe this is confusing. All of us are bleeding in varied tenses, and all we're always trying to do is find ways to plug those holes. These times are like mirages - we experience them whole, but with uncommitted imagery. You just have to let the brevity of them pass.

More tomorrow. Until then.

Artist: Artua

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,

A.